Winkin, Blinkin and Nod

This piece was written when I had examined my own fears while growing up.  I  learned there were some things that just didn’t get talked about in our home and how I coped in a dream world and used food to escape.
This is written through my child’s eye….

All nestled in my warm bed, with dreams of “Winkin’ Blinkin’ and Nod” I laid there safe in my cocoon.
I had sailed in that wooden shoe many a night through the starry skies. In wonderment, I would fish the beautiful sea in adventures far and beyond.
As I was casting my golden net that night, I heard a mumble in the distance. I could not quite make out what the disturbance was in the skies so clear. I strained with all my might; I laid down my net in the mist and put my head against the dew.

My eyes flickered as my subconscious struggled to hear what my ears were taking in, and then suddenly I was awake. I froze in the stillness of my room.

Something was happening. Did I do something wrong? Daddy was downstairs and was really mad. He wanted Mommy, but she would not go down. I saw her rush into Grammie’s room. Was she scared too? What was going to happen?

I covered my ears, as the sounds got louder. The cracking of splintering wood echoed through the silence of the house. My heart was beating out of my chest as I quietly pulled the covers over my head; trembling as I held them tight.
Soon everything went silent. I waited.

I then stepped into the wooden shoe and sailed away into the mist once again.

I woke the next morning with the warmth of the sun shining on my face. I smiled as it shone through my curtains and danced on my wall. Caught in its reverie, I stretched my arms and smiled. I sprung out of bed and got dressed for school.
I could hear Mommy in the kitchen downstairs and the smell of toast wafting up the stairwell made my belly rumble.

As I made my way down to the landing, I turned. I stood horrified at the scattered wood that lay at the bottom. I then remembered the disturbance in the mist last night.
I wondered if I would be able to get down.

Slowly, I edged my way, being careful with each step; for some were half-gone. I hugged the wall for support for the banister was doing a balancing act all on its own. Daddy sure was mad again.

I worked my way through the rubble and finally went into the kitchen. Grammie was sitting, drinking her tea. Quietly I sat down. I eyed my big brother who was intently eating his cereal and my little brother grinning as he ate his peanut butter toast.
I swallowed hard as I looked up to see Mommy put my bowl of cereal and milk in front of me. “Eat up now so you won’t be late for school.” she said.

As I picked up my spoon, I sprinkled sugar like moon dust over the miniature universe I had in my bowl. I dove into the Milky Way and thought happy thoughts of my adventures last night with “Winkin’ Blinkin’ and Nod”.

Many things can transpire in a child’s mind, which can form false truths and form behaviors that may cause more harm. This dysfunction can continue on into adult life and affect life in many ways.  It is very much a repetitive occurrence from parent to child. through many generations. Until a person knows better, they can’t do better.  The affects of alcoholism touches everyone in a family, I am thankful for AA and Al-Anon for their 12 step program where healing can  begin and change made from a childhood of trauma & pain.

My Sacred Space

Come with me as I show you my sacred space, a place where I spend time reflecting, healing and working on my inner self.

The entrance for you, you will never find; it is only because I guide you that you can pass through this violet plush veil.
Feel the softness as it caresses your face and body as we pass through. Its tenderness shows you there is safety here in this circular space.

You will see as you look around, the many carousel shelves that line the room. They hold the many books that I have read and that have helped me along my journey. You will see there are also knick-knacks and valuable tools that adorn the shelves as well. They are all visible reminders of how far I have come and they are at my disposal to use whenever I need them.

There have been times in my life, that when dealing with things of my past, have been most difficult. Come now, I will show you the process that I follow for inner healing.

Over here between the two of the carousel shelves is my cheval glass. It is a beautiful full-length mirror sitting in this lovely stand.
When I feel that something is just not right; when I get that feeling in my gut and become overwhelmed with emotions, and get that feeling that I have been there before, I stand here. As I touch the golden stand and gaze before the glass. The reflection, taken from my mind’s eye, appears. At first the date flashes at the top, then the memory begins to unfold.
I use this glass to search my inner self and find answers, even to contemplate decisions that I need to make. Anywhere that my mind takes me, it will reflect and reveal.

As I view my cheval glass, I step back; I take a seat in my rocking chair. I watch intently, taking everything in. I watch it. I feel it. I relive every second. It can be very painful at times. If at any moment I need help, help is here. Everything I ever need; my books, my tools, my reminders. Even a box of tissues sits here beside me for all of my tears, and my runny nose. There is a lot of healing through tears and snot. At times, I fill this wastebasket beside me. Yes, a lot of tears.

I rock myself and comfort my little girl. I hold her, hug her, I talk to her and let her know I am here for her. We grieve together for all the pain she has experienced.

There are times that I write. This note pad and pen here beside me is always ready. If there are any feelings I need to get out, or think through, I write. I write as long as it takes, and as many times as it takes. The answer is always within me.

After I finish, I crumple up what I have written and throw it in the wastebasket. I then take the wastebasket over to the stove, open it up and throw in the used tissues, and written pages. It is my ritual of letting go. I light it and watch it burn.

This is a special kind of stove though, for something happens when the fire burns. Hurt & pain can be very bad for me at times, yet sometimes it can be good. All that enters this stove is sifted through the fire. The fire burns hot to separate everything into the two filters located here at the bottom.
The top filter fills with random hard ugly black junk that sometimes is hard to burn. These remnants of my life have caused me harm. To get rid of them, I take the filter and empty it here in this shit bin beside the stove. The name is self-explanatory. When I pour those ashes in here, they immediately are sucked down a shoot that goes into a pool of acid, never to be seen or felt again.

The bottom filter however holds memories of importance. They burn to a pure white. I take these ashes over here to the chest on the other side of my rocking chair. This is my healing chest. Notice the huge orb light on top. Its multiple colors swirl in the orb at a frequency that my human mind cannot comprehend, but my heart does. I lift the lid and pour the white ashes in here.

There are times that I come in here when I am feeling down or reflective and I sit in my rocking chair. This room fills with marvelous energy as I place my hand on the orb. I feel a healing light flow through me. The comfort and healing it emits washes over me and gives me strength to carry on.
Even the bad times hold goodness. I am so thankful for everything that has happened in my life.

I want to thank you for joining me. I hope my tour enlightened you on how I use one of my valuable tools for healing.

My sacred space is my very own. Everything that happens here is helping, to make me whole.
I am coming full circle; returning to my true self.

We all need a sacred space.

Drop a Pebble…

Five years ago while stopping into the hospital gift shop, I came across a small flat rock with an inscription “Laughter is the best Medicine”. I smiled at the etched words, for I knew just how important the advice was.

Laughter has always played a huge part in my life. To have a bit of fun, to smile or to give a smile seemed to bring joy to me. I am sure many have heard me behind closed doors with my boisterous cackle. Cackle? Yes… I remember one time going for a drive with a girlfriend and we got to giggling so Continue reading “Drop a Pebble…”