This time of year brings back so many memories.
It was a huge turning point in my life 6 years ago.
So many things have transpired since then; so many things I could possibly write about.
My thoughts are many as they whirl in my head, sometimes it is difficult to concentrate on just one, so I write sporadically on many topics.
While musing through some old writings, I came across something I wrote a while back when I started to jot down things for a book.
I never continued with this one… perhaps one day I will…
Life has so many trials and hardships to muddle through, sometimes it becomes so much a part of you that it molds you into someone you never really realized you were.
Not until you take a long look back to contemplate on what you have come through, do you realize this fact to be true.
When I start to list the things in my head of what has transpired just in the short nine month period I sit stunned with wonder.
How in hell did I make it through everything?
Somehow I closed myself off and built a cocoon to cope in. I had to concentrate on one thing at a time, whatever was happening in my sights.
I moved forward looking for any good I could cling to… any hope to hang onto… to focus on. I pushed myself through, to keep my head above water; for if I stopped, I knew I would surely have drowned.
Here I will try and tell of my journey, it may be fragmented as it comes out, for in my thoughts many facets show themselves. For me to even fully understand myself, I have to take a long look at every cut, every jagged piece that has made me.
This is my story…..
In a trance, I pushed open the door into the yellow glow of the hospital parking lot. The lights made an ominous haze across dark sky. As I eased down onto the damp bench, the emptiness of the early night air filled me. Silently, I stared into space. A numbness encased me, somehow protecting me from the months, weeks, hours,and minutes ahead. The faint echoing sounds of a distant train seemed to rail through my mind, “a sign of a storm in the near future”, my Grammie use to say; a storm… I would have to face.
As the car pulled up I questioned if I should leave. Should I leave him there? I know what it is like to be alone. Will he be there in the morning?
Torn, I opened the car door and got in. Then in a monotone voice relayed what had transpired in the last hours. I was somebody else, caught in an shell looking outside, hiding, protecting myself from feeling any emotion. I stared straight into the dark night feeling very isolated and alone.
The shadows of the living room drew me into their stillness yet my mind wouldn’t succumb. As I sat in the easy chair, my mind roamed the shapes around the room as the clock ticked on. No sleep would come. Two o’clock, three o’clock, four o’clock…
“Can I see you in the hallway Melanie… We feel it is penile cancer… prepare yourself for a roller coaster ride… go home and get some rest…”.
How does one prepare themselves?… Rest? … there is no rest tonight.
“I wish daybreak would come. I have to call work.. what will I say? Who will I call next. What time is it? How did this happen? How am I getting to Halifax? Should I get to the hospital before 7 to go in the ambulance? Why did he have to tell me? Man, why didn’t I stay at the hospital? What about Matt? I wonder if Mom would take us down? No, forget that. What time is it? “
4:30 am… My mind would not stop.
The fear that I would be left alone once again and have no one, krept in…
“what am I going to do?”.
What is it when you hear the word “cancer” that your body freezes… the mind goes into a fog where you hear bits and pieces and you try with all your might to grasp everything but it simply cannot sink in.
I remember Dr. Wells asking me to come out into the hallway; he needed to speak with me. Said he wanted to prepare me, for they felt Curtis did indeed have cancer and that the road ahead was going to be a roller coaster ride.
Prepare me? How does one prepare for this?
At times I felt like I was playing a part in a soap opera role, so many things transpiring that only would happen on TV, definitely not real life… but yes it was real, very real and was happening to us; definitely a roller coaster ride.
I sometimes wonder how in the world we ever got through everything. One thing after another… hit again & again… yet, we kept going. We had to, what else could we do? We had to try to put some sort of order in our lives, grasp at any hope in sight, and grasping at whatever good we could find.
It was all we could do.
I remember a few days before Curtis died, he said to me “Mamma, I would have never made it through this without you, you were my strength.”
I guess that was the mode I was in… be strong for him…although through it all, my heart was tearing inside…. but I had to be strong for him.
I smile now when I think of those nine months; they taught me so much.
Even in the hard times, joy can be found. There is a reason and a purpose for everything that happens.; everything.
This time of year brings back so many memories.