Relapse

In having some issues after my last surgery late last summer, everything had triggered a deep emotional negative core belief that put me into a tailspin of binges and then severe depression. It has be an arduous time and am presently in Cognative behaviour therapy with a psychologist while on a 14th month waitlist for mental health. I am also takin a self esteem program at a local womans resource center.

Having to lose weight has always been a lifetime endeavor for me ever since my early childhood. The numerous diets tried throughout the years varied but they always seemed to do what they were meant to do…lose weight…. but keeping it off was another issue that never seemed to happen. That roller coaster of losses and gains continued ….. only making me feel more of a failure and defeated. The “fat” girl, is what I conceded to be… I was destined to remain big, for it was who I was. I was ready to settle for just that. And still, even having lost nearly 400 pounds.. I still feel fat.

It’s amazing how a child being called that one single 3 letter word “fat”, can carry with them so much power over the years. So much power that it molds your maladaptive thinking and behavioural actions during stressful and emotional times. Food became my comfort, my happiness, my escape, my secret, my dependancy, my coping….my life.

Hating myself so much, I felt no one could ever possibly love me, so with my depleated self esteem, I wore a mask to hide behind. Over the years with my feelings of self loathing, unloveability, unworthiness & failure; it was cemented into my being by many occurances over and over again, making my maladaptive thoughts become my reality; solidifying my neg core beliefs.

No amount of weightloss can rid you of the mental work one must have to do. I have to laugh when well meaning people say slurs to a obese/morbidly obese person, “well all you have to do is watch what you eat and exercise”. This is pure ignorance to the whole situation; for if they understood, they would know that there’s alot more than food and no exercise that gets a person to be obese/ morbidly obese…or surper morbidly obese as I once was.

Losing weight is hard work…but even harder is the loss one must work on to remove the years of maladaptive thinking, behaviours and negative core beliefs. We all can lose weight… it’s the changing of the mind, thought, behaviors and beliefs that is the hardest. Everything together can make weightloss successful, you cannot succeed without workin on it all.

One might say..”well you have no problem..look at how good you’ve done.” When I think back 2 years ago during my vast weight loss, I felt like I was on top of the world..unstoppable. Not realizing though… I had many transferences throughout the year….which gave me that feel good feeling….one leading into the next…which put me back a full circle to my old behaviour with food. It is not uncommon they say with an addict to have a relapse and go back to what is their vice…. of which I certainly did.

So as to update with you all… I am slowly crawling out of the hole I had fallen in. It is a slow progress and will get there. It will take me time to work through and change the so many ingrained thoughts and neg core beliefs.

May you all in your journey to health keep steadfast and remember it is not only in body but mind we must work dillegently … remember…HEALTH IS WEALTH.

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